So I tried typing this entry three times... and I failed every time. 4th times a charm, right? Well, I don't know what to type out, to be honest. I wanted to say things that remain as neutral as possible... but its just not possible. The subject is friends... and while I rather not talk about them on here, it is a major part of my summer. In fact, for this year, my friends played a larger role in my summer break than any other year since I came back to the state. I always been a lone wolf. After the events that took place shortly after I returned to the islands, I had a hard time trusting anyone. I had my Navy friends to rely and hangout with, but things like their schedule and deployment cycles made chilling with them difficult. It wasn't until early 2012 that I started to socialize with others. Still, one thing always held myself back from becoming close to anyone. I didn't want myself to handle friends like I used to... until now.
You see, I used to care about friends more than I cared for family or even myself. After my last relationship, I was looking and relying on friends to cope my troubles with. I had someone who I considered as one of my best friends, many moons ago. I thought she was someone who I could vent to, but like everyone else, she had her issues to deal with. I just never thought about her issues and just pushed mines on her. I blew it. Big time. We don't really talk anymore (not at all, actually). I'm not sure if this person is still hurt over what I done, or is just waiting for me to say something, but regardless, its something that I regret dearly. Because of what happened (and trust me, you won't find out.. unless you were there), I changed the way I handled myself around others. I took the regret and used it as a guide. I never wanted to be close to anyone for fear that I would hurt them somehow and eventually. I also learned that if I ever get into another relationship, make sure to keep mutual friends to a minimum. It really complicates shit.
That philosophy of mine (if I can even call it that) has changed over the course of nearly 2 years. I befriended a lot of people. Being someone known in a campus of 4000 others does that. Out of that litter of folk, a few (in comparison to 4000) I became close with and really close to that few. Yay division!
So fast forward to May 2013: I made even more friends, got close with a few, and some people actually left for a little bit. They encompassed what happened during my summer. They're the ones who shaped the course of these past 3 months. We laughed, we cried, we got frustrated & mad with each other. We also bonded... with super glue. OK I'm kidding, of course. I got close to a few and they changed my life... and even someone who I didn't really know also changed my life.. and I will always be grateful for that. My summer was the summer of friends; it was something that I have never experienced in awhile. I would love to share this story.
I'll try my best to keep things neutral (see how my philosophy still tries to keep me in check.. even though I broke the shit out it? lol). No real names given, but if you're obviously there, you know who I'm talking about. Any personal inquires/comment/complaints can be sent to to me via FB.
So as early as May, I was hanging with some folks and going on hikes with them (refer to Summer 2013 Part I). It gave us a lot of time to get to know each other and just have fun. In fact, I would say that the first part of the summer mainly consisted of going on hikes and socializing at a restaurant or some other eatery. During that time, I met friends of friends and other folks and we had a good time as well (I think).
Summer changed a bit around June-ish when a relatively close friend came back from her month-long trip to [former] commie-land. She even bought me an awesome troll shirt which I absolutely love (thanks)! Again, we went hiking and we had fun. Things started changing up when I started chilling by July 4th in a more social manner. We went to Lanikai Pillboxes (AKA, the Obama-Ruined-It-For-The-Rest-Of-Us Trail) on what was an incredibly nice and hot day. We went to the beach right after and it was fun... until it came to our attention that someone laid turd logs (yes, as in plural) in the fucking ocean! We headed back towards Honolulu with the intention of catching the 4th of July Hawaii Kai fireworks show.
This was also the day that I "actually" met Commie's sister, who I only knew as a classmate awhile back as well as sort of talking to her during Welcome Week Fall 12 for like, a couple minutes until some douchebag derped along and ruined it! Anyway, I found it funny that there was a lot of questions being asked by Sister Commie to me. It definitely wasn't a bad thing, though. So we all went to China Walls.. only for the fireworks show to be 200 or so feet into the bay and out of our view. Fortunately, the Ala Moana fireworks show was huge and visible from where we were at, so we stayed, watched the show, socialize and pigged out on some tasty noms. Even on our way back from China Walls, I was still being inquired about things from Sister Commie. They were rather candid moments, but I gladly answered. All in all, it was a good night.
During the month of July, I was hanging out with friends left and right. Some nights, I chilled with my Navy friend and got our movie fix. Other days, I chilled with veterans and discussed our plans for unifying our organization throughout the UH system. I did more hiking and more eating. I even got a double show with the same folks who I got to hang with back on July 4th; meaning we watched The Conjuring, but I was also watching 3 scared ladies attempt to shield their eyes in any way possible. It was pretty amusing considering how NOT scary this movie was (but it was still better than other recent horror films, as of late... 86% on the Tomatometer doesn't lie).
Not too long after that, things started to ramp up... for better AND for worse. Old but familiar feelings I had only a couple years ago started to come up, as well as other issues happening elsewhere in my life. It made for a bad combo and it was happening at the wrong time.
So Commie's birthday was coming up, and all of us had it in our minds to throw a surprise party! We all had to find excuses to not show up to a small bday dinner that Commie knew of, so we could prep the place of residence for the surprise. My excuse was something that was actually true, but I made it sound worse enough that I had to suddenly leave the island. Suffice it to say that karma bites hard... but I digress, for now. We prepped the place up, let a couple other friends up and we waited for the dinner party to return. Everything went off pretty well. She was surprised, we celebrated, played drinking games, and went downtown to go dancing. It was a fun night... but it was only Friday; it was only the beginning of.. a wild roller coaster ride.
So Saturday was a recovery day. I got home early in the morning and just collapsed on the ground of my room. Sunday was the day of reckoning for me... for a number of reasons. Issues elsewhere were starting to ramp up and I just didn't want to hear it since I was preparing myself to take on Moanalua Middle Ridge to Haiku Stairs (again, refer to Part I for hike details). As we finished the trail and was getting into vehicles, that's when the trouble started happening.. for a lot of people. No, I won't go into details about that. It already happened and bring all that up is just counterproductive. How did I get involved in all that? Well, for lack of a better term, I inadvertently became the chain of events that caused a Butterfly Effect. Typical, right? I'm always fucking shit up. It was never intentional. I never complained. I never really had an issue as to what was happening. It was just one of those moments where I wanted to take things back (in this case, a couple texts). To top it off, I was already predisposed with other issues in my life and it came to a head by that Wednesday.
That Monday, things weren't right. At the moment, the attention wasn't towards me, but I was starting to think about it. My issues elsewhere were getting huge, too. It became overwhelming. Normally, I wouldn't have taken it so hard, but this involved direct family.. something that I rather not lose. Fast forward to Tuesday night, I made a public plead on Facebook. I was trying so hard to get through my sister.. that she is not forgotten by me and my side of her family. I received an answer the next day.. it wasn't good. I hated myself. I was very self-destructive; something that I haven't been like since 2009/early 2010. Of course, things gets worse before they ever get better.
So in addition to having my heart smashed in some way, something else happened, and it hurt me so much more than I already was. Basically, the Butterfly Effect and karma turned around and bit me in the fucking ass. I was brutally upset.. at everything, but especially the people I considered the closest I have ever been with in a long time. I felt like it was early 2011, all over again. I felt alone. Yeah, I triggered this chain of events.. it was completely unintentional, and I regret that, even right now as I type. The part that really upset me was that it was assumed whatever I was participating in, I didn't want to be a part of... which was completely untrue. I never complained about it to anyone, but most importantly, it was not a problem. I was down either way. If I wasn't, I would have been very vocal about it. The problem really boiled down to miscommunication and misinterpretation (of my text and the context of such).
So yeah, I was angry, I was already drunk, and I had my phone in my hand.. I was warned not to say anything except when face-to-face, but I'm the kind of person who wants to solve stuff quick. If I didn't, I knew it would just consume me. More so, I didn't want to repeat the bad shit that happened a couple years back. I posted a really long and really angry text... to which by the next morning, I got to read it sober and was just truly devastated. I had to double check who I sent that to. I felt so horrible. It tears me up, thinking about it. Yeah, I still had an issue with the misinterpretation along with all the family bullshit that was happening. I really wanted to set that straight but first, I immediately apologized to Commie. I was fortunate enough to be granted an audience with the one and only, later that night at Starbucks and patched things up. I'm very grateful for that. That night I promised myself something: don't ever do that again... especially with friends that made you break another promise I made to myself (never be close to anyone). The ones who proved your philosophy wrong... they are really good friends. :)
By that Saturday, we were [mostly] together to hike (or walk) up Kamehame. While the hike was nice, I still had plenty of things on my mind. My family situation clouded what was actually a really nice hike.. and it showed. I distanced myself from the others for a bit. We got to the catwalk, took some really silly pics, and watched as the blue skies started to appear. On our way down, a curious sister wanted to ask what was wrong with me? "A lot," I replied with a little humor. I then proceeded to explain my situation. It was then that I was reminded about one of the most fundamental principles I picked up a while back; something that I have forgotten about. Perhaps I wasn't thinking about it because I thought the principle didn't apply to family. I was told that if there is something that you don't have any control of, you should just accept it and worry about yourself. You see, it's really hard for me to do that, especially when family is involved. At the same time, the situation was becoming hopeless, and I was starting to take it out on people who also had no control over the situation.
That reminder rekindled the mindset that I have forgotten over the past couple years. It was something that I needed to hear, no matter how hard it was for me to even follow. It's totally possible to be, essentially, selfish but still care for others. I definitely was at ease over the situation. That night, I went with family to a bon dance in Manoa Valley (since its Obon Season), had fun with my little cousins, and other family members. I was thankful that I still have another side of my family that was still whole, and should re-focus my efforts towards them (and of course, myself). I didn't realize what my friend did for me that afternoon while descending from Kamehame until the day she left the state (which was earlier this week). It may not have been a big deal to her, but I am extremely thankful for what she did.
So our last outing with friends was this past Sunday when we went camping at Malaekahana. I never had so much fun in less than 24 hours than that day/night. A big reason we went was to see the Perseids Meteor Shower in a relatively dark part of the island. We chilled, went to the beach, ran away from the man-o-wars (some of us, anyway.. fuck getting stung!), threw knives, and drank... oh boy. We played only one drinking game.. and I got destroyed! I had my knife confiscated so I wouldn't play the knife game (and probably chop my finger off), had a drunken conversation with my dad about finding a tablet for my grandma (don't ask. I don't know how I was coherent enough to hold such a convo), watch people dance, got fed a piece of pizza, and was pre-occupied with throwing up so I can sober up in time for the damn meteor shower.
Fortunately, I did sober up just in time for the meteor showers and it was worth it.. you know, because its space and shit. Later on that morning, we all rushed out of there so we can return to town and all go to work. This was also the last time I saw Sister Commie... which I found more sad than I wanted it to be. I mean, I didn't really know her for that long. We held all our conversations during this summer, alone. Maybe its just sad when people have to go. I think some of it also had to do with what was said a couple days prior on Kamehame. Regardless, I was pretty sad, but I'm also always happy for someone who is willing to start a new adventure somewhere else.
Well, Summer vacation really ends for me by next Sunday. Typically, I never have summers. It's always been on my own or with little interaction with others. I learned so much about life and where I want to take it and what people I want to surround myself with. I loss weight and continue to lose it. I saw a side of O'ahu that I have never seen in my life. I conquered (well, continue to try and conquer) fears. I got really close with my friends and I hope the feeling is mutual for them. I am forever thankful for what happened over the course of this summer. Yeah, I hope some things patch up, but for me, things are good and I couldn't be more happy. Thank you, EVERYONE who has made my summer the best I had in a long time.
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